Up yours, I’ll be so hot when I’m finished you’ll be crying yourself to sleep at night!

After extensive soul searching and taking some time out to reflect on what I want… Who am I kidding? After extensive overeating over the last three months of blog absence, and some much enjoyed time spent doing sweet FA, I am back. And I mean business (again).

This really must be the millionth time I have started dieting again. I have absolutely nothing to suggest that it will actually happen this time. After a mildly upsetting encounter with a member of the opposite sex this weekend, I have once again been propelled forward into my usual, ‘Up yours, I’ll be so hot when I’m finished you’ll be crying yourself to sleep at night!’ attitude. I’d like for this enthusiasm to last, as much as I hate the source of it; I know I shouldn’t feel like I have to do this to please others but anyone who says they aren’t, is lying. Most of them anyway.

So where are we at? My tape measure has long since disappeared but I can tell you that I’m currently sitting at 18 stones and one pound. Weirdly enough I have only put on a couple of pounds in the last few months – I think this is a combination of being extremely stressed at work, and only ever having time for a usually unhealthy lunch. I never have breakfast, rarely have dinner and have fast food at least once at the weekend, sometimes more.

I am told by those around me that I appear to still be losing so will take some measurements soon and see how I am fairing from when I last did this in February.

I’ve resurrected the skinny jeans I was oh so intent on squeezing myself into and they are SO much smaller than I remember, what the hell was I thinking? I am fucking miserable today to be frank but if this is what it takes to get my ass in gear then give me a double!

A few wise people once told me, some of whom read this blog back in February, that the only way to do this was moderate exercise and healthy eating (something along those lines). Anyway, they are all correct, I know and knew this but find it very difficult to stick to these plans if I don’t know what’s coming next. Weight Watchers helped with that but it was bloody expensive and to be honest the food was vile – cardboard crisps? No thanks mate!

So this time, it’s all about healthier eating, three meals and two snacks a day, and resisting all things carb and chocolate (with thanks in the inspiration side of it to Alex and Jo!)

God help me.

Wowzers

I’m getting very slack at keeping my blog updated, things have been hectic lately and I’ve had a less than average week. As per my last post, I started the Cambridge diet last week and made it successfully to weigh in day without cheating, but not without any trauma. I caught a cold last week and by Saturday was feeling really rough – all I wanted was a warm sandwich or roll of some kind, the craving was absolute torture! I’ve been staying at my parents the past few days and that has really been a test of my strength, but I’m just working through it, somehow!

So back to the weigh in, my starting weight on Sunday 31 Jan was 18 stones and 11 lb according to the consultant’s scales (which is what I will be going on from here on). Last night, I was 17 stones and 12 lb… so a pretty big loss of 13lb in total for my first week. I was shocked to say the least and the consultant almost fell off her chair. The tape measure isn’t giving up the clues easy though, it looks like I’ve lost most of it from my thighs and bum which I’m not complaining about – that said, I would like to have seen some inches lost from my waistline which is exactly the same as it was last week! Friends and family say they’re seeing a difference, I’m still waiting.

I’m getting increasingly stressed out with using different scales and have decided to completely avoid them until I’m at my weekly weigh in, and then only use the consultant’s. On my scales at home, I am 21lb lighter now than I was on 1st Jan 2010 – I am extremely pleased and even if the actual weight amount is wrong, the loss I am sure is correct.

So I’m now going into week two of Cambridge and I am 12lb away from being the weight I was three years ago, and 5 stones and 12lb away from my target weight of 12 stones. I bought some ‘target’ jeans over the weekend, they are so slim, I cannot WAIT! to get into those babies!

Onwards and Upwards (and inwards hopefully)

At the start of day three on the Cambridge diet things are looking good. I haven't had any real pangs of hunger which doesn't surprise me much as previously I would go the whole day without eating far too often, difference now is that I'm not stuffing my face at the end of it!

I had a really great chat on the phone yesterday with a long time friend who I don't see half as much as I should. As we're talking she casually drops into the conversation that she recently weighed her boobs, or should I say, 'flopped them out on the scales' to be precise. I don't know about anyone else but I'm inspired! Hopefully my gigantic boobs weigh about four stone and suddenly everything will make sense - I shall report back!

As far as things are going at the moment, I'm 8.5lb lighter than I was on Sunday night. Crazy!

With every end… comes a new beginning…

After two weeks of being very good during the week and eating anything I can get my fat little hands on at the weekend, I’ve come to the conclusion that whilst I still have access to food, I will simply eat it. All of it. And I don’t, won’t and am probably never going to give a damn about the consequences.

Goodbye Weight Watchers, you’ve been good to me – I leave you 9lb lighter than I was a month ago, despite the cheating – and I am proud of that. You’re just too slow, and whilst your biscuits are low calorie when I only have one, my stupid hand keeps putting five in my mouth. This just isn’t going to work anymore.

Just over two years ago I embarked on the evil Cambridge Diet plan – four soups / milkshakes a day for three months of sheer hell and a flabulous loss of around 3 stones in weight. It would have been perfect had it not been quickly followed by a 5 stone gain. (I stopped short of my goal weight instead of finishing properly, which, is supposed to mean you don’t put the weight back on).

Against even my own advice to friends and family, I am going back on Cambridge. No sugar coating, I care more about what the scales say right now than I do about anything else. I don’t want to be allowed to eat ANY food, because I will just eat all the food. I’m a hoover, and I want to be a… broomstick? I think.

So today is day one, I’ve had one vile chocolate ‘shake’, and will somehow force three more of those down my neck before the end of the day.

Starting weight: 18 stone 11lb (according to the diet counsellors scales – although I definitely lost 9lb last month so I’m not really sure about that… whatever.)

Here we go again.

Inches Update

After this weekend's naughtiness I'm not going to bother with the trauma of a weigh in until next week, but couldn't resist taking some measurements this evening. Not as good as last week, but I'm happy all the same!

Bust: 46 (1in loss on last week, 3in loss total)
Waist: 39 (2in loss on last week, 4in loss total)
Hips: 50 (0.5in loss on last week, 3in loss total)

Sooo overall that's 10 inches gone - not bad if I do say so myself!

You, you, you... not you.

I have just about dragged myself into the office this morning, completely unwillingly and feeling very much like the only place I need to be right now is in bed.

I have had a brilliant weekend, I've seen lots of old faces and realised just how much I miss them all. I did my best to keep it fairly healthy... until I got drunk and forgot I was on a diet. Anyway, I bought Weight Watchers curry supplies for curry night on Friday and shamelessly picked at everyone else's plates for the entire evening - there is nothing on this earth like Dilshad chips - if you don't know, get to know!

Saturday was a pretty good day, low point lunch, no snacking and a three course meal which, as meals go, probably wasn't too unhealthy. It was probably the copious amounts of vodka that started my downfall. Sunday morning came and, diet or no diet, the hangover munchies got me. And they continued to get me for pretty much the whole day. I had everything that I shouldn't have and I'm too embarrassed to specify but a visit to the golden arches and later on a 'Delivery!' at the front door might give you an idea. I don't feel at all guilty and am quite prepared to sit aboard the wagon again and start again from where I fell off.

The only downside to this weekend, is a certain pair of b*stards I came across on Saturday night. To set the scene, we have two guys who, thankfully for my sanity I didn't bother looking at, stood outside a bar apparently doing nothing. I am walking past in a single file line with my good friend 'Chew', who is a leggy blonde and quite the fittie in front of me, and in front of her, two other girls. I don't know what made the voices of these two guys stand out above everyone else's, and I wish it hadn't but I heard it loud and clear... 'You, yes you, definitely you... eurgh not you!' and they break down in hysterics. I don't have to spell it out but, caught up in having a good time, I momentarily forgot that I was the fat friend.

How. Fucking. Humiliating. Within a millisecond I am taken back to every single time I've been made to feel bad by someone who doesn't even know me for being big. Having 'Fat bitch!' screamed at me from someone driving past in a car (I know, right?), the regular look of what is he doing with that when I've been with a guy. Not much comes close to making someone feel as low as these comments can.

Of course it only inspires me to lose this weight. But it makes sick that I feel like I have to in order to avoid the judgement of scum like that.

An Advance Confession

Dear Blog,

On Friday I am going to eat a delicious curry, the best in sunny Birmingham in fact. On Saturday I am going to eat a big dinner at my friend's Hen Party and then I am going to drink copious amounts of alcohol.

I'm not sorry that I'm not sorry. But I will try and save some points to soften the blow!

A busy weekend, planned long before the diet - I think it's justified, if you don't - shhhh!

End of Week Two Vitals

Last week
Weight: 18 stone & 9 lb (261 lb)
BMI: 37.3

Today

Exactly the bloody same.

Grr.com

Postponed

So today is supposed to be weigh in day... but the Matron has forgotten her scales... noooo! I have starved myself this morning in an effort to keep myself as light as possible for the mighty scales and am stuffing my face with slices of apple as I type this. I am gutted!

Weigh in is rescheduled for tomorrow so for now, my measurements (which I am very pleased with!)

Bust: 47 (2in loss on last week's 49)
Waist: 41 (2in loss on last week's 43)
Hips: 50.5 (2.5in loss on last week's 53

Here's to another successful week!

Fluffy Pink Clouds

Late last week I showed a friend this blog - I've stopped being so shy about it, which has been good medicine, the support I have been getting as a result has been extremely encouraging. Anyway, his first comment was, 'What do you sound like?!', and he was right, a quick glance over the titles of my blog posts and I sound like a total misery guts! So today, the subject title is one of the sweetest things I could think of, fluffy pink clouds. I can't elaborate on that, all that sickly sweetness makes me feel a little ill, sorry!

So, generally speaking things are still going well, I still haven't cheated, I'm keeping well within my Weight Watchers points allowance and I've been upkeeping my fruit and veg intake. I could be using the cross trainer more... a lot more - so that's this week's resolution. I am really worried about tomorrow's weigh in - dispite (Scout's honour!) being very good this week, my scales at home are saying that I weigh more than I did at last Monday's official weigh in - fingers crossed the Matron's scales will be a little kinder to me in the morning. If not I also took measurements last week so hope to find a difference somewhere!

Oh yeah, I defrosted and tried the Tikka Masala last night... as of now, I am just going to stick to what I know, pastas, cold salads and ready meals - gourmet!

Drowning

Yesterday I was at breaking point by about 3pm. I was working a 14 hour day with five hours remaining, it didn't matter what I poured down my throat, I could still feel every morsel land at the pit of my empty stomach, the echo rumbling around my insides. And I was tired. So tired. That all said, there must be something different in me, it's like an out of body experience watching me walk away from the many opportunities to just give up.

I popped to the shop on the way home from work and not only did I not walk down the confectionary aisle, I didn't even realise I could have until I was on my way home again and thinking about dinner. (Okay, thinking about chocolate. Which I miss deeply.) Anyway, I walked through the front door at about 9pm, fed the cats and the next thing you know, there I am, dying on the cross trainer again. I just wanted to get it out of the way, I needed food and sleep and knew as soon as I got close to either of those the cross trainer would be severly neglected.

I managed another mile, a slow one, but a mile more than any normal day in my 'old life'. Then I cooked again. Second time lucky, I was trying a Tikka Massala, the recipe kindly supplied by my Matron on reception (what a sweet lady she is, like my office-mummy, ready to give me a beating should my hand brush the cookie jar). As before, it was ridiculously spicy, looked a bit off and actually made me screw up my face on contact. It's in the freezer now, I couldn't face it last night and ended up having a vegetable stir fry, one thing I can actually cook to an edible standard.

I'm just over a week and a half in now, and presumably, still losing something from somewhere, I'm just not sure where exactly. I can't wait 'til my trousers are a bit loose, or my boobs don't look like they're escaping asylum in one of my shirts. As my dear mother would say, right now I look 'poured in' - I've never liked the idea of drowning so much!

Fed Up & Underfed

I am struggling today, but I’m not sure with what exactly. I’m irritable, fed up, feeling a little rough around the edges and worst of all, I am hungry. This has been easy so far because I haven’t felt hungry – I could eat, I have lots of points left for the day and lots of fresh fruit and veggies available to me, but I’m pretty sure I’ve overdosed on healthy food which is why I’m feeling unwell. Is that even possible? Either way, that healthy(ish) glow I’m sure I was emitting in recent days has long left me behind and my motivation is slipping.

I am trying to set up lots of little milestones which will help to keep me motivated on this journey. (Journey? What is this, Oprah?) Anyway, here are some of the things I am looking forward to:

A big, fat Tunisian wedding! At the end of February one of my wonderful friends is tying the knot under the Tunisian sun with her lovely fella and I am very excited about going over there. This particular lady deserves her big day more than some measly words written by a hormonal and moody dieter could come up with. Saturday 27th February will be a day for her to open up the door to a bright and happy future and put behind her the struggles she’s so bravely overcome in recent years. Tissues at the ready Stellios! X x

Birthday photos. It is my birthday at the end of May and as a treat and an incentive to stick with this, I have booked a photo shoot with my friend Alice – photographer extraordinaire and founder of Bella Luna Photography. Her photos are always beautiful and even if I’m not quite ‘there’ I know she’ll have me looking like I am! As someone who is a little scared of the size of my own shadow, looking at photos of myself is not in my list of fun things to do and although this won’t be easy, I can’t help but feel excited about it! Alice’s website: www.bellalunaphotography.co.uk

Finally, but perhaps most significant to my ultimate goal, my first ‘proper’ holiday. I’ve never been away with friends and I’ve never worn a bikini at the beach, or anywhere else for that matter. This year, in July, I am going on a ‘sun’ holiday with one of my closest pals, I’m going to be at least 100lb lighter than I am now and I am going to wear a g-string bikini, go topless on a nudist beach and truly embrace my new body. Okay… not quite, but I have every intention of having a bloody good time!

Ahh… I feel better already! Now where are those celery sticks...

Get Fit & Die Trying

So I went to bed feeling pretty narked off with the world last night - a whole mile on the cross trainer and I'm still packing the fat... what?!

It's so easy to set your expectations too high, I was supposed to climb off of that evil piece of machinery at least four dress sizes smaller. The only thing I actually got from it was the sorry realisation that I am horridly unfit and another thing to add to my every growing shopping list, 'appropriate footwear'. Last night, not only did I look like a lanky hippo going for Gold, I was doing it in leapoard-print flats and sliding closer towards a painful death with every step/pace/turn - what do we call it fitness bods?

Anyway, the cross trainer is pain and sweat electronified but that can only mean it's going to help and the waist line is all for that!

I've had an interesting chat with my eldest brother today - someone who, in his own charming way, has always pioneered my weight loss. He is pleased to hear I am on this diet and has his own ideas about how I can make it all work for me - it's good to have my family on board. My sister is in the States, one of my brothers is in Germany and my other brother is in New Zealand - if I try hard, by the next time we're all together again we might be able to have a sibling photo where my legs aren't being confused by the photographer with small, weird looking additional family members.

Eurgh. Twice.

Meet the two new demons in my life. My terrible cooking (not sure I've ever tasted anything worse) and my shiny new giant living room swallowing cross trainer. Terrible food + realising how unfit I am? FML.

End of Week One Vitals

As promised... this is how things are looking.

Last week
Weight: 19 stone (266 lb)
BMI: 37.9

Today
Total Loss: 5lb
Weight: 18 stone & 9 lb (261 lb)
BMI: 37.3

Could be worse!


Update 14/01/2010

Measurements!

Bust: 49
Waist: 43
Hips: 53 (OMG,I know!)

Unscathed

So I have made it through week one in one, just as wide but more positive piece. I have eaten better this week than I have... possibly ever. And I feel great for it.

Weight Watchers is incredibly easy and I've decided to stick with what I know works for me so I'm now in it for the long haul. I've registered online (going to a meeting and discussing my flab whilst going through the general torture of getting rid of it? I'll pass thanks!) and I have been hunting their website and the general interweb all weekend for recipes to try.

One thing I really want to get into is mass cooking and freezing food. The two things against me on that are my dire cooking skills and my tiny freezer. Alas, I gave it a go last night and cooked a Quorn Chilli (I'm not veggie but there is a very good reason why someone like me leaves cooking meat to the experts!). It went well.

Did I just say that?

Aside from harassing the socks off of a friend with everything from how to cut up an onion (it didn't come with instructions?) to what I do when I realise that the wok I used doesn't have the lid needed for the part where I simmer - it went okay. It's too spicy though, I suppose you might say it kinda hurt but I'm hoping a day in the fridge for the batch I'm having tonight and some rice will improve it. I was gutted when I tasted it but I could see others liking it, which, in my book is a success. Photos to come later.

My cross trainer arrives tonight and I am looking forward to using it for the first time. That won't last. Hopefully my motivation will.

First official weigh in this morning (courtesy of the lady on reception at work and her trusty scales), I shall report back with the damage.

I don't have a plan... yet!

I decided, like many, that I would start this diet, the day before I actually did on Sunday 3rd January 2010. To this end, I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to lose the weight. I have never been one for thinking a plan through, but I'm more determined than ever that this won't be one of those that goes wrong as a result.

In the interim I have been doing a Weight Watchers plan because it is so easy to follow and, whilst I get my head together about the best way to do this, it's better than nothing at all. I've actually really enjoyed tracking my 'Points' consumption, I haven't felt unusually hungry and even managed to have two slices of pizza at a work lunch and still finish that day with spare Points so I am definitely not complaining!

This week has mainly consisted of lots of apples, salad vegetables and weight watchers ready meals. Oh, that reminds me - I can't cook. The one and only reason why I have no idea where I am going with this diet right now. Tomorrow morning I am making it my mission to hunt down some easy, healthy recipes, followed by a quick shop for the ingredients in the afternoon and a mass cook-up in the evening. I am hearing everywhere that it's all about mass production and freezing so let's see what that's all about!

Finally - exercise. Oh how I loathe thee. I have ordered a cross trainer which is being delivered all the way to my living room thankfully, and built as well... so, technically the regime will start straight away. Initially I am making this a TV affair. At night I usually watch around an hour and a half of TV so for a minimum of 30 of those minutes, I shall be cross training (is that what we call it) my rear off - literally. Hopefully.

Puppy Fat

How did I get here?

Literally speaking, I would put it down to an even mix of a deep love for crisps, chocolate and pizza and a deep hatred for anything that involves too much movement. Sprinkle with a lack of motivation and/or years of not caring enough to do anything about it and voila, the finished article looks something a bit like me.

Technically speaking, I could try and blame the masses. In my early teens, when I was bigger than my peers but not necessarily ‘big’, my mum called it puppy fat but I cared far more about my height back then than my width. Thankfully most of them have caught up with me in height or I’d be looking at taking inches off of both axis. Anyway, my puppy fat soon became a roundness that I, ‘carried well’ because of my height and, safe in the knowledge that I was ‘well covered’ rather than fat, I never felt truly bothered by it. Slap six years on to that and my puppy fat has evolved into a new type of whale blubber which I am still carrying bloody brilliantly as a result of the tree trunks protruding below my torso.

Honestly speaking. I have no one but myself to blame. I overeat out of boredom and I eat badly through laziness - I could and should have done something about it long before now. I’m looking forward to finding out how it feels to be slim.

(Patience has never been my strong point – I’ve just weighed myself and three and a half days in to my weight loss mission (the specifics of which I will explain tomorrow) I have lost 3lb. Go me!)

The Vitals

So... these things are pretty useless without the gory details, and most importantly, the gory photos. Don't say I never give you anything.

On Monday 4th January 2010 I...

Took that photo ->
Weighed in at exactly 19 stone / 266lb
Stood at 5 feet and 10 inches tall
and had a BMI of 37.9

If I can lose a mere 7 stone, I will for the first time in my adult life weigh in at 12 stone, accompanied by a much healthier BMI of 24 - and a much smaller arse, in theory.

I will get some measurements up here once I find a tape measure long enough.